


The Little Things that Hurt so Much

by ThePinkTeenager



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Feels, Autistic Keith (Voltron), Autistic Pidge | Katie Holt, Cats, Fluff, Food, Foster Kid Keith (Voltron), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive thoughts/memories, Keith (Voltron) has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith Has Nightmares (Voltron), Keith has trust issues, Pidge is a stress talker, Pidge | Katie Holt is a Good Friend, Pre-Canon, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Supportive Shiro (Voltron), Touch-Starved Keith (Voltron), Unexpected diagnosis, author may be projecting, broken bone metaphor, but not in a suicidal way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-21 10:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30020637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePinkTeenager/pseuds/ThePinkTeenager
Summary: Keith knows he is a problem child. Shiro must know that as well. So why does Shiro take Keith in and let him live in his apartment? That's a good question.When Shiro looks at Keith, he doesn't see a troublemaker. He sees a clever kid who's also a scared mess. Keith needs a place to stay and someone to care for him. Hence, the teenager now sleeps on Shiro's couch. As weeks go by, Shiro discovers there's far more to Keith than most people think.
Relationships: Keith & Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith & Shiro (Voltron)
Kudos: 17
Collections: Voltron: Autistic Keith





	1. Shiro's Apartment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SilenceIsGolden15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilenceIsGolden15/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro takes Keith to his apartment. Despite Shiro’s efforts, Keith has a rough night.

Shiro probably should’ve asked Adam before offering Keith a room in their apartment, but he forgot. His roommate didn’t mind when younger cadets visited, but having one live there was something else entirely. Especially when the kid was someone as hot-headed as Keith. 

“We only have two bedrooms right now.” said Shiro. “Technically it’s a three-bedroom apartment, but the third is an office. You can have my room for the time being.” 

“No thanks.” said Keith. “I can sleep on the couch.” 

Shiro was surprised that the kid had rejected his offer. He had been sleeping in the dorms with other cadets for months. Of course, that was with other kids and Shiro was an adult. Besides, Shiro saw no reason why Keith _couldn’t_ sleep on the couch. 

“Couch it is.” he said. “If this becomes a long-term thing, I’ll turn the office into your bedroom.” 

“But what about your office?” asked Keith. 

“Don’t worry about that. I can set it up somewhere else.” Shiro found it strange that Keith was concerning himself with the office, but he didn’t question it. 

Shiro told Keith his house rules. There weren’t many of them- he and Adam were both fairly lax about that stuff. Shiro didn’t know if that was good or bad for Keith. He suspected he would find out soon. 

“Can you do laundry?” he asked. 

“No.” Keith squeaked. 

“I’ll have to teach you.” he said. “Once I do that, you’ll be expected to do your own laundry. Adam and I currently do all the chores, so you won’t have many. Other than that- is there anything I need to know?” 

“About what?” asked the teen. 

“About you.” said Shiro. “Specifically anything about chores or just, like, living together.” 

“I can’t cook.” said Keith. 

“Honestly, kid, neither can I.” said Shiro. “Anything else?” 

Keith hesitated. “Vacuums hurt my ears.” he said shyly, like he was confessing a secret. “So do blenders.” 

Keith’s social worker had mentioned that he was autistic. “Got it.” said Shiro. “I’ll be sure to tell Adam. If there’s anything you need, let me know.” 

Neither of them spoke for the rest of the ride home.

* * *

Keith grabbed his bag and backpack and followed Shiro into his apartment. He'd visited the apartment before, which was good. Usually, he ended up in an unfamiliar place and it freaked him out. Before the dorms at the Garrison, Keith had been in several foster homes and a group home. Unfortunately, each move was just as distressing as the last- until now. Now, he looked around the apartment, soothed somewhat by the familiar room and Shiro's presence. He didn't trust Shiro, but the man had always been kind to Keith. 

"I'm going to talk to Adam." said Shiro. "You can unpack your things and get settled." 

Keith sat on the couch. He knew the reason he was here instead of in the dorms was that he'd gotten into a fight with another boy. He knew he shouldn't have done that, but the boy was bullying him. He shouted "Stop!", but the boy didn't stop. In a panic, Keith slapped him. One of the teachers saw that and took them to the office. The other boy got only a suspension, but Keith had been in fights before. He heard the adults talking; they said he was a danger to the other kids. Keith thought they had it backwards: the other boys were a danger to him. If Keith was a danger to anyone, it was himself. 

He was grateful that Shiro had offered to let Keith live in his apartment. If he hadn't, Keith would be sent back to the group home or shuttled off to live with strangers. There was no way the Garrison would let him live in the dorms after his last fight. Heck, he was surprised they still let him go to school there. Most schools would expel him at this point. Keith guessed they let him stay because he was the best pilot in his class(though he hadn't yet flown an actual plane). He had no idea why Shiro was offering to take care of him, but he wasn't going to ask. 

"Hey Keith," said Shiro, "It's dinnertime." 

Keith stood up and went to the dining room. Shiro pointed to the place where Keith was supposed to sit. Shiro was on his left and Adam was on his right. Keith couldn't tell if Adam was angry about his arrival; he hoped he wasn't. Nobody talked much during dinner. Keith didn't know if that was the norm or the two men were deliberately not talking about Keith's presence at their apartment. Either way, he was going to leave as soon as dinner was over. 

* * *

The couch wasn't bad. It already had pillows, and Shiro had given Keith a spare blanket. Keith's only wish was that the blanket was a heavy winter one. When Shiro had asked if Keith was cold, he had truthfully answered no. He considered lying so Shiro would get him a heavier blanket and he would be enveloped by its weight. But Keith hated lying, and anyways that was unethical. Now he was starting to regret that decision. 

Keith was exhausted, but too nervous to fall asleep. He considered sliding himself under the cushions, but he didn't want to wreck the couch. He was already stimming, but it didn't seem to be doing a whole lot. He even got up and scanned the entire room, but that didn't help either. 

For some reason, Keith thought of his dad. When he was little, his dad would kneel on the floor and give him a really tight hug. Keith loved it, and he'd squeeze his dad at hard as he could with his tiny arms. Sometimes, Keith would lie on the couch and his dad would lie on top of him, making sure that the kid could still breathe. It was like having the biggest, warmest blanket on him. 

Keith's dad died when he was seven. 

At first, Keith grieved his dead father. Over the years, his grief had largely disappeared and was replaced by something else. Something vastly different, but no less painful. 

Right now, Keith only felt exhaustion, nervousness, and a burning desire to be squished. 


	2. All the Talking People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith adjusts to life with Shiro and Adam. He later meets a bright and talkative young girl. Also pizza and bacon.

Keith woke up to the sound of Adam making breakfast. Actually, "woke up" implied that he'd been sleeping. Which he had- kind of. He wasn't sure whether he'd woken up in the middle of the night or that was just part of his nightmare. Also, there may have been more than one nightmare. Either way, what mattered most was that Keith hadn't woken somebody _else_ up. He couldn't afford to do that on his first night at a new home. 

Keith sat up and turned toward the kitchen. "What's for breakfast?" he mumbled. 

"Oh, good." said Adam. "You're up. I'm making toast and bacon." 

Toast and bacon was delicious unless the bacon was slimy. Keith really hoped Adam didn't make slimy bacon. If he did, Keith could just eat the toast and... pretend he was a vegetarian or something? On second thought, he should just go to the kitchen and eat. 

The bacon was, in fact, _not_ slimy. Keith ate all the bacon on his plate, only to be offered more. Though he wanted to eat it, he declined; he shouldn't eat more than his share. The toast was pretty good as well. 

Shiro walked into the room wearing pajamas. "Hey Adam." he said. "Hey Keith. How'd you sleep?" 

Keith was unsure whether to answer the question honestly. He was usually honest, but there was a caveat: Keith's insomnia was his problem. If he told Shiro, then it would become Shiro's problem, and there was no way in hell Shiro wanted that. So Keith just shrugged. 

"We're leaving for the Garrison in half an hour." said Shiro. "I have a meeting this afternoon, so I might not be able to pick you up when class ends. You can wait outside the I building if I'm late. And Keith-" 

Keith looked up. "Yeah?" he asked. 

"Try not to get into any fights today." 

Keith did not get into any fights, though he did have to leave class at one point to avoid having a meltdown. Other than that, the school day didn't go too badly. He spent an hour learning about linear equations in math class. When one of the girls pointed out that not everything goes in a straight line, the teacher said, "You'll learn about quadratics next year." 

Math was the last class of the day. Keith headed out to find Shiro, but he wasn't there. His meeting must be running late. Keith headed to the I building and stood outside the door. It was chilly, so Keith zipped up his jacket. Eventually, Shiro came and Keith got in the car. 

"How was your day?" Shiro asked. 

"Fine." Keith mumbled. He wasn't exactly a talkative person. 

"What do you want for dinner?" Shiro asked. 

Keith froze. Did Shiro just ask him what he wanted for dinner? "Me?" he asked. 

"Yes, you." said Shiro. "There isn't anyone else in the car, is there?" 

_Well, there's_ you, Keith thought, but he knew Shiro couldn't be asking himself. "Pizza." he said. It had been some time since he'd had good pizza. 

"I know a great pizza place." said Shiro. "We can stop by on the way home." 

"Sure." said Keith noncommittally. 

They drove to the pizza place and bought two pizzas. When they got home, Adam was already there. The three of them opened up the first box and ate all of it. The pizza was delicious. 

"Thank you." said Keith. 

"No problem." said Shiro. 

* * *

A week after Keith moved in, Shiro went to a friend's house. He took Keith with him despite the latter's protests. 

"You don't have to talk to anyone." said Shiro. "Just stay in the house and do your own thing." 

Keith ended up standing in the corner while Shiro talked to his friend Matt and Matt's dad. This was typical of Keith. He didn't have the social skills to actually join a conversation, so he just watched and listened. He'd gotten used to being on the outside. 

"Hey." said a voice behind him. 

Keith spun around. A brown-haired girl was standing nearby. She was about ten and looked sort of like Matt. 

"Hi." he said. 

"Who are you?" she asked. 

"My name's Keith. I'm... Shiro brought me here." Keith decided not to even attempt to explain his living situation. 

"My name's Katie. I live here." said the girl. "Wanna see my new robot?" 

_She has a robot?_ Keith nodded. "Sure." he said. This robot had to be more interesting than watching adults talk. 

Katie smiled. "Great!" she said. "He's in here." 

Katie took Keith into a nearby room and showed him a small metal robot. "This is Spiny." she said. "He doesn't do much yet, but you can drive him around." 

Keith nodded. "Okay." 

The two kids spent an hour working on the robot and talking. Well, actually, Katie did most of the talking. She talked a _lot_ , but there was something about her that seemed... familiar. Had they met before? Definitely not. It was the way she spoke and acted- Keith had seen it before somewhere. Since she wasn't being mean, he ignored that and focused on her and her robot. 

It was only after he got home that Keith realized why Katie's actions were so familiar. Though she was friendly, her attempts at conversation were awkward. She didn't censor herself the way most people did and rarely made eye contact with Keith. Actually, she was a lot like Keith. The difference was that she compensated for her issues by talking _more_ , whereas Keith withdrew from social interactions. Keith briefly wondered if she had autism like he did. He'd never met an autistic girl before, but he knew they existed. Honestly, he hadn't met many autistic people. Honestly, he didn't really like meeting people, period. But meeting Katie hadn't been too bad. Maybe he would go back someday. 


	3. Unexplained Symptoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro notices that some of Keith’s issues cannot be explained by autism, so he takes Keith to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives Keith a startling diagnosis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated, but happy Pi Day!

“Keith,” said Shiro, “we need to talk.” 

“Am I in trouble?” Keith asked, wondering what he had done this time. 

“No.” said Shiro. “Definitely not. It’s just... I noticed that you have some issues.” 

Keith knew where this was going. He’d had similar conversations with various foster parents and social workers. 

“You don’t want me here, do you?” he said. “I’ll pack my things.” 

“No!” Shiro said with a gasp. “I swear, it’s not like that. The reason I brought up your issues is that they’re bothering _you_.” 

This was weird. Nobody ever seemed to give a crap about what bothered Keith. Well, his dad and uncle did, but one was dead and the other was in a different country. Generally, people only noticed things that were bothering _them_. The sole exception was when Keith had a meltdown and punched or bit himself hard enough to leave a mark. Then they’d put ice or peas or a frozen hamburger on the bruise. Once the bruise was gone, they acted like nothing ever happened. 

"Go on." said Keith, not sure what else he was supposed to say. 

"Well, it's probably none of my business, but we are living together and I'm already taking care of you." 

"I'm fourteen. I don't _need_ a caretaker." said Keith. 

"Yeah well, the law says otherwise. Anyway, the point is that your issues... some of them aren't symptoms of autism. And like I said, they seem to be really bothering you." 

"What are you, an autism expert?" asked Keith. Shiro had no idea if he was trying to be sarcastic or not. 

"No," he said, "I'm just a guy with Internet access. When you moved in, I did some research on autism. And don't take this the wrong way, but... when I looked at that research, and I looked at you, there was a discrepancy." 

"Are you saying you think I don't have autism?" asked Keith. 

"I'm saying I think you have autism and something else." 

Okay, so maybe Shiro had a point. Hearing his past foster parents insult him in his nightmares probably wasn't an autism thing. But what was a guy like Shiro supposed to do about it? Heck, what was _anyone_ supposed to do about it? 

"Like what?" Keith asked. 

"I don't know." said Shiro. "I'm not a psychologist. But I was thinking... if it's okay with you, and I can get it approved by the Garrison, I could take you to an actual psychologist for a evaluation." 

"Already done that." said Keith. "That's how I got diagnosed." 

"How old were you during your first evaluation?" asked Shiro. 

"Four and a half." 

"That was almost ten years ago. A lot can change in that much time." 

Shiro was right; Keith had changed a lot since his diagnosis. But autism was a lifelong condition, so if he had it then, he still had it now. Then Keith remembered that his autism diagnosis wasn't being questioned. 

"Will you be there?" Keith asked. 

"During the evaluation? Yes." 

Keith thought about it for a second. He'd been evaluated a bunch of times for various reasons. What were the odds this one would reveal any new information? Of course, most of those evaluations were done by the state or his schools. This one would be done by a professional of Shiro's choosing. And Shiro would be there if anything happened. 

"I'll do it." said Keith. 

"Okay." said Shiro. "I'll contact the Garrison. If and when it gets approved, I'll let you know when we're doing it." 

"Thanks." said Keith, though he wasn't sure why he was thanking Shiro. Maybe it was because Shiro was offering this for Keith's own benefit and not because it was required by some institution. Maybe it was because he asked Keith before scheduling it. Maybe it was because he would be in the room with him during the evaluation. Whatever the reason, Shiro deserved to be thanked.

* * *

Keith and Shiro sat in the waiting room of the psychiatrist's office, the former fidgeting nervously. He'd been in doctor's offices before, but this didn't look like a doctor's office. If it weren't for the reception desk, it could've been someone's living room. Shiro flipped through the magazines, all of which looked pretty boring to Keith. Then he heard someone say his name. 

"Keith Kogane." said a woman. It was his turn. 

Keith and Shiro stood up and followed the woman. She was in her late forties with a dark bun and wire-framed glasses. The room she led them to had two comfortable chairs facing a large desk. The walls were mahogany and the floor was an off-white carpet. Keith and Shiro sat in the chairs. 

"I'm Dr. Labranche." said the woman, extending her hand. 

"Takashi Shirogane." said Shiro, shaking her hand. "I'm Keith's, uh... caregiver." 

Dr. Labranche sat opposite Keith and Shiro. "Hello, Keith." she said. "My name is Dr. Labranche, and I'm a psychiatrist. I'm going to ask you a few questions. Let me know if you're not comfortable answering them." 

Keith didn't know why she bothered to introduce herself twice. He nodded. 

"We'll start with something easy. How old are you?" she asked. 

"Fourteen." said Keith, though he was pretty sure that was in his records. 

"Okay. Where do you go to school?" 

"Galaxy Garrison." said Keith. He had no idea what that had to do with anything. 

"Oh wow." said the woman. "That's very impressive. How long have you been there?" 

"Since September." 

The woman wrote something down on a digital notepad. "Tell me a little bit about your family." she said. 

"Don't have one." Keith said. "I'm an orphan." 

Silence. Keith hoped he hadn't said anything wrong. 

"Okay." she said slowly. "Is Mr. Shirogane a relative of yours?" 

"No," answered Keith, "we're just living together." 

"He looks several years older than you." said the doctor. "Is such a large age gap between roommates common in your school?" 

"We don't live in the dorms." said Keith. "He has an apartment." 

"Ah." said the woman, writing something down. "What kinds of places did you live before this?" 

"Foster homes, mostly." said Keith. "I lived in a group home for a few months. I lived with my dad until he died." 

"Are you comfortable telling me when that happened?" asked the doctor. 

"When I was seven." 

The woman nodded. "And why are you here today?" 

"Shiro wanted me to come." said Keith. "He thinks... he thinks I..." Keith couldn't get the words out. "Shiro?" 

"Keith has some rather bothersome symptoms." Shiro answered. "He already has a diagnosis of autism, but some of his symptoms are not typical of that." 

The woman kept writing. "What kind of symptoms?" 

Keith swallowed. He really didn't want to expose himself like this. Then he remembered what Shiro had said: _whatever happens in there, I won't tell the Garrison_. Besides, the evaluation would be pointless if he refused to talk. As uncomfortable as it was, he had to tell her the truth. 

"Nightmares." he said shyly. He thought most people had those, but it was worth mentioning. "The real bad ones wake me up. I... get scared easily. I... it's hard to explain." 

"You're doing well." said Dr. Labranche. 

The rest of the evaluation wasn't easy- in fact, Keith nearly cried a couple times. Eventually, Dr. Labranche stopped and told Keith and Shiro she would review her notes before saying a diagnosis. Keith sat in the chair, wondering what the doctor would say. Hopefully she didn't diagnose him as a troublemaker or something. Keith might actually punch her if she said that. 

After what seemed like forever, Dr. Labranche looked up from her notes. "Keith," she said, "I believe I have a diagnosis for you." 

"What is it?" Keith asked. 

"I looked at my notes, and while you definitely show many signs of autism, there is also-" 

"Get to the point." said Keith. He really didn't feel like listening to a long explanation right now. 

The doctor looked straight at him. "Keith," she said, "you have PTSD." 


	4. Invisible Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being diagnosed with PTSD, Keith realizes just how much he was hurt during his childhood. And physical pain wasn't anywhere near the worst of it. 
> 
> This is a pretty dark chapter, but it does reveal quite a bit about Keith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you take a shot every time I say "PTSD"... actually, no, don't do that. You'll be too drunk to finish the fic.

Whatever Keith was expecting Dr. Labranche to say, it was not that. 

"PTSD?" he said. "Like, _the_ PTSD?" 

"There's only one PTSD." said the psychiatrist. "Well, actually, it is a rather heterogenous condition, but no other condition has that acronym." 

"Yeah, but what makes you think I have it?" said Keith. 

"I read the criteria." she said calmly. "You meet all of them." 

"But I'm only fourteen..." said Keith. He'd always thought that PTSD was something that happened only to adults. 

"Keith, I've literally seen kids half your age with PTSD." said Dr. Labranche. 

"That's... disturbing." said Shiro. 

"It is." said the woman. "Occupational hazard, I guess." 

"So what do we do now?" asked Shiro. 

"That's up to you and Keith." she said. "I generally don't treat pediatric PTSD, but I can refer you to someone who does. Keith seems fine now, but if you see any..." 

She kept talking, but Keith had stopped listening. After all, he had just been diagnosed with freaking _PTSD_. Granted, he knew losing his dad had affected him, but he didn't know it was that bad. Or was it something else? Losing his dad had been the worst thing that ever happened to him... kind of. He still remembered the day his dad didn't come to pick him up at school. 

Dr. Labranche was a psychiatrist; she knew more about stuff like this than Keith did. If she said he had PTSD, odds were he actually had PTSD. It was up to him to figure out how to deal with it. 

* * *

"Hey Keith," said Shiro, "are you alright?" 

Keith shrugged, not even looking away from the car window. Neither of them had anything scheduled for the rest of the day. That meant Keith had the several hours to figure out what the hell was going on inside him. 

Keith started by making a mental list of everything he knew about PTSD. It was unpleasant; that was the first thing. It was common in war veterans, rape victims, assault and shooting survivors, people who'd nearly died, and... wait a second. None of those applied to Keith. The only thing he'd experienced that was even close was his dad's death, and that didn't really bother him anymore. Maybe something had happened when he was a baby and he'd forgotten it. The idea of having PTSD from something that happened when you were too young to remember it was... Keith didn't want to think about it. 

There were certainly things he didn't know about his childhood. He couldn't remember his mom- in fact, he didn't even know what she looked like. His dad had given him only vague descriptions of her appearance. His descriptions of her personality and attitude toward him and Keith were more detailed. She didn't seem like someone who would ever hurt Keith, and he knew his dad wouldn't. But he knew absolutely nothing about his mom's family or who she was before she met his dad. He wasn't even sure his dad had known- they were only together for a couple years. The only clue he had was his genetic test results, and those were apparently so confusing that even the Garrison didn't know what to make of them. So really Keith had no usable information whatsoever. 

As for where his trauma came from... well, Keith didn't know that either. But he knew one way to find out.

* * *

Often, people with PTSD re-experienced their trauma through flashbacks or nightmares. Keith didn't get flashbacks(at least, not real ones), but he definitely got nightmares. So Keith decided to write down what he remembered from any nightmares he had overnight. But first, he had to sleep. That was easier said than done. 

As usual, Keith had a hard time falling asleep. This was just kind of a thing for him, so he waited, knowing he would fall asleep eventually. The main problem with this approach was that sometimes "eventually" meant two a.m. In fact, Keith had unintentionally stayed awake all night a couple times when he was younger. But he was older now, and... actually, that made him _more_ likely to stay up all night. Well, he was human; he couldn't stay awake forever. 

Keith must've fallen asleep at some point, because he woke up. There was something important he needed to remember... it was Monday. That was important, but it wasn't what Keith was trying to remember. 

_The nightmare_. Keith was supposed to write down his nightmares. He'd had a nightmare last night; bits and pieces were still floating around his mind. Keith grabbed his digital notepad and scribbled them down, not caring if it made any sense. 

It didn't really make sense. Dreams rarely did. But some of the fragments were so powerful that even thinking about them made Keith flinch. He kept writing anyway; this was the only way to learn what had happened. 

"Hey Keith," said Adam, "what are you writing about?" 

"Nothing." Keith lied. He preferred being genuine, but he could lie if he had to. 

"Okay." said Adam. "I made breakfast if you're hungry." 

Keith was hungry, but he hadn't finished writing. He jotted down one more thing before getting up and eating breakfast. 

* * *

After school, Keith looked at his notes. School had been relatively easy today; he still had enough energy to puzzle over the notes. They were every bit as disjointed as Keith remembered them, but that didn't make them meaningless. In fact, Keith saw their meaning. 

_Scared_ _, fire alarm went off, guy said "He's too clingy; we can't take care of him", hurt, "What's wrong with you?", vacuums, "Nobody wants to foster you", afraid..._

There were several names scattered throughout the notes. Keith knew those names. They were his former foster parents, foster siblings, teachers, and a kid from fifth grade. Every single one was somebody he had met after his dad died. His dad's death wasn't in the notes. His dad wasn't even in the notes at all. 

Keith slapped his forehead. How had he not noticed this before? He had PTSD, but it wasn't from a big thing like violence or rape or even his dad's sudden death. It was from a lot of little things. Things so small they were invisible to most people, but still caused him immense pain. Every fire drill, every mean kid, every foster parent and teacher who didn't want to deal with him... each of them left a mark. Not a physical mark, mind you, but a mark on Keith's soul. Like a broken bone that broke again and again without ever healing properly. 

Actually, this was even worse. Broken bones hurt for a while, but wait six months and they won't hurt anymore. Keith had been hurting for several years. Maybe having a diagnosis would allow him to heal. Then again, Keith knew better than anyone how deep some of the cuts were. It was weird to be describing psychological trauma like that, but Keith didn't have a better word for it. Whatever it was, he wanted it to go away. 

Maybe that wouldn't happen. Maybe he'd be left with scars that would never fade. Even if he lived to 105, his scars would still be there for no one to see. 


	5. Red Cat, Green Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith goes to Katie's house and the two of them play with computerized cats.

"Hey Keith," said Shiro, "let's go to Matt's house." 

Keith didn't move. He had no desire to leave the apartment. 

"Keith." said Shiro. 

"What?" he asked. 

"Let's go to Matt's house." 

Keith shook his head. He had no reason to go to Matt's house. 

"You went there before." said Shiro. 

"Things were different back then." said Keith, even though it had been only a month ago. 

"Keith, the only thing that changed since then is that you got diagnosed with PTSD. And you actually had PTSD the last time you saw Matt, anyway." Okay, Shiro had a point. "Besides, Katie likes you." 

"She does?" asked Keith. 

Shiro nodded. "Matt told me. Apparently she was pretty excited and asked if you could come back." 

Honestly, his time with Katie hadn't been that bad. He could do it again, especially if someone else wanted him to. 

"Okay, I'll go." he said. 

"Atta boy." said Shiro. "We'll leave in ten minutes." 

* * *

Matt opened the door and smiled. "Hi, Shiro!" he said. "Hi, Keith! How've you been?" 

"Good." said Shiro. "How about you?" 

"Good." said Matt. He stepped aside, letting Keith and Shiro in. 

As soon as Keith was in the house, he saw Katie rushing towards him. "Hey Keith!" she exclaimed. "Wanna see my new coding project?" She grabbed his wrist and squeezed it tightly- too tightly for most people. Keith was startled, but he didn't mind. In fact, he... liked it. 

He hadn't realized that he wanted someone to hold his hand. 

Keith nodded. 

"Great!" said Katie. She physically pulled him to the computer. Being smaller than Keith, she wouldn't have gotten him very far if he didn't come willingly. Honestly, he wanted to see why Katie was so excited. 

Keith looked at the computer screen and saw... a cartoon cat. 

"A cat?" he asked. 

"Not just any cat." said Katie. "A dancing cat." 

She pressed a button and the cat started moving around the screen. Keith wasn't sure he'd call it dancing, but it was certainly interesting to watch. Then Katie smiled. "Watch this." she said. 

Katie started typing. Keith tried to read what she was typing, but he didn't know much of the coding jargon. He did see his name in quotes somewhere. 

"Now click run." said the girl. 

Keith did that. Suddenly, a red cat appeared on the screen. The word "Keith" was written above it. 

"Is that _me_?" he asked. 

"Yup." she said. "Well, not really because it's a cat, but it can be your avatar." 

"If I'm the red cat, then who's the other cat?" he asked. 

"Hold on." 

Katie typed something into the code and clicked run. The previously tan cat turned green and Katie's name appeared above it. 

Keith chuckled. "It's you." he said. He didn't know why she'd made it green. 

Katie shrugged. "Who else?" she asked. 

"What can they do?" asked Keith. 

"Anything." said Katie. "Well, anything that can be done on a screen. What do you want them to do?" 

Keith thought about that. He'd already seen the cats dance. "Close their eyes." he said. 

"Okay." she said. "First, I'm gonna get another image that's identical to these except for the eyes. There should be one right... here." she clicked on something. "Now we have to change this to... actually, I have a better idea. Let's make the red cat close its eyes when you hit one of the keys." 

"You can do that?" he asked. 

"Of course." said Katie. "So I'll add an if statement... somewhere." she said. "I'll just stick it over here for now." 

When she was done, Katie said, "now press C." 

Keith pressed the C key. The red cat closed its eyes.

Keith smiled. "It's sleeping." he said. 

"Yeah." said Katie. She made a few alterations to the code. While she did that, Keith let go of the key. The red cat opened its eyes again. Keith spent some time closing and opening its eyes until he noticed that the green cat's eyes were closed. He looked at Katie. 

"The green cat's eyes closed." he said. 

"I did the same thing to it." said Katie. 

Keith pressed the C key and started moving his mouse as if stroking the cat. 

"Aw," said Katie, "you have a pet cat." 

"Yeah." he said. "It doesn't purr." 

"I can make it purr." she said. 

Before Keith said anything, Katie was typing again. Keith watched as she searched for and played several sounds before finding the right one. Then she typed some stuff under what she'd just added. "There." she said. "Now press C." 

Keith did. The red cat closed its eyes and purred. Keith's heart melted. 

"Do you like it?" asked Katie. 

Keith nodded. "Yeah." he said. 

"I can make a copy of the program it you want." she said. "You can take it home and download it onto a computer or something." 

"Sure." Keith actually really wanted that. 

"But first, I'll copy-paste this so my cat can purr, too." she said. She did that, then saved and copied it. 

"What's your email?" she asked. 

Keith told her. She emailed the program to him. "It's still editable, by the way." she said. "You can change it without changing the original." 

Keith didn't think he was going to do that, but if he ever learned how to code... 

"Thanks." he said. 

"You're welcome." 


	6. Holding onto the Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith has some kind of flashback in the living room. Shiro sees him and comforts him.

Keith was supposed to be doing his homework, but he couldn't concentrate. After about ten minutes, he gave up and sat on the couch. It had been a long day; he was kind of tired. Besides, he could finish his homework later. 

He to let his mind wander from thought to thought. This turned out to be a mistake. Before he knew it, he heard a man yelling at him. Except the man wasn't really there; it was his former foster father. The one who made it very clear that Keith was a bad kid. Keith knew he was in Shiro's apartment, but he could still see the man yelling _"I can't believe I agreed to foster a kid like you!"_

Keith flinched and curled inward. The guy didn't touch Keith, but his words stung like a million bees. Even worse, he'd said that nearly five years ago. How could something hurt so much for so long? Keith tried not to cry, knowing that would only make things worse. 

"Keith." said a male voice. 

That wasn't a memory. "Shiro?" he asked. 

"Yeah." said Shiro. "Are you okay?" 

Honestly, no, Keith was not okay. He hadn't even noticed Shiro come in. "Uh..." 

"You know what?" said Shiro. "I think I know the answer to that question." 

Keith was still tensed up, still hearing the horrible words that echoed through time. He knew logically that his foster father and Shiro couldn't possibly be in the same place, but somehow they were. It wasn't uncommon for Keith's memories to invade the present like this, but this was the first time Shiro saw it. He was kind of... embarrassed? Ashamed? Keith was in too much pain to make a distinction. 

"I'm here for you." said Shiro gently. "Do you need anything?" 

"Um..." Keith needed to get his tormentor out of his head, but of course he couldn't tell Shiro that. "Maybe?" 

Shiro carefully sat on the couch. He and Keith were almost touching, but not quite. Keith tried to focus on Shiro; it was the only way he could get out of this. He let his legs slide until they bumped Shiro's thigh. Shiro was silent for a moment. 

"Com'ere." he said. He moved closer to Keith and put his hand on his shoulder. Keith folded up his legs tightly, but he didn't tell Shiro to move. He didn't _want_ Shiro to move. He wanted to bury himself in Shiro's arm and forget the pain. But he wasn't allowed to do that. He wasn't really supposed to touch people at all. That was a lesson he'd learned the hard way. 

Then Shiro's hand started creeping up Keith's neck. Keith couldn't resist; he felt himself melting under the touch. He stayed still as Shiro's hand ran through his hair. Nobody had done this in years. 

"Feeling better?" asked Shiro. 

Keith nodded. 

"You can come closer if you want." said Shiro. 

Keith froze. Was Shiro... _inviting_ him to get close? That was weird; usually people wanted him to go farther away. Then again, if Shiro really meant it... 

Keith wriggled and squirmed until he was pressed against Shiro's side. Shiro rested his elbow on Keith's shoulder and continued stroking his hair. Man, this felt really fucking _good_. 

"If you're comfortable sharing... what happened?" Shiro asked. 

Keith normally tried to hide his vulnerabilities, but that was pointless right now. "I had a flashback." he said. "Kind of." According to the Internet, flashbacks meant people thought they were actually in the past(something like that, anyway). Keith had just experienced the opposite: the past had come to him. Which, honestly, was just as bad. He didn't actually have a word for it, so for now "kind-of flashback" would have to do. 

"Your dad." said Shiro. 

"No." Keith couldn't look at Shiro as he said that. "I got over that." 

"Keith, you just had a flashback-" 

"Not of my dad." he said. "Something else." 

Shiro was silent for a minute, but he didn't stop his stroking. Keith couldn't believe how long the guy's hand had been in his hair. Okay, it hadn't actually been that long, but it was much longer than Keith was used to. Which wasn't saying much, since Keith rarely received any physical affection whatsoever. 

"Did you finish your homework?" Shiro asked. 

Keith hesitated. "No." he squeaked, knowing he would probably be forced to get up and finish it. 

"That's okay." said Shiro. "It's getting late anyway. We can just stay here, maybe watch TV..." 

"Can we watch those cheesy sitcoms?" asked Keith. 

"Sure." 

Keith got up and grabbed the remote, then sat back down on the couch and turned the TV on. He sat a little farther away from Shiro- there was no way the guy wanted to keep touching Keith. He went through the sitcoms until he found one that he knew Shiro liked. Then he sat back and watched shenanigans ensue on the TV screen. 

"So," said Shiro, "you like being touched?" 

Keith stiffened. "Why do you ask?" 

"It was a reasonable guess." said Shiro. "Seriously, though, you were like a giant kitten once I said you could touch me. What's that all about?" 

Keith didn't know how to explain this. The truth was that he did like being touched, but he didn't like being startled. And sometimes those two went together. More importantly, asking people to touch you often meant being rejected, which was even worse. And touching other people was usually a violation of some rule or norm. So Keith had learned not to touch people at all. 

Then this happened. This changed everything. 

"You're right." said Keith. "It's just that no one touches me anymore." 

One of the guys in the sitcom made a funny comment. Keith and Shiro laughed. 

"Gee, I wonder why food you bought at an airport tastes like airplane food." said Shiro. Keith laughed again. 

A few moments later, another memory surfaced- this time a positive one. "When I was little," he said, "my dad used to hug me really tight. Sometimes he'd even lie on top of me." 

"He lay on top of you?" asked Shiro. 

"Yeah." said Keith. "I loved it." 

"So you like pressure, huh?" said Shiro. 

Keith had never heard that before. "Uh... yeah." he said. He had no idea why Shiro was asking. 

"Do you want it right now?" he asked. "Like a hug or something." 

Okay, this was officially weird. Awesome, but weird. "Uh, sure." said Keith, squirming closer to Shiro. Shiro wrapped his arms around Keith and squeezed. "Tell me if this is too tight." he said. 

It wasn't too tight; it was perfect. Keith wrapped his own arms around Shiro's chest and squeezed. He could feel the man's arms pressing against his ribs. It was heavenly. Keith relaxed, resting his head on the man's shoulder. Not being hugged for so long made him forget how good it felt. 

Keith started falling asleep even as the sitcom kept playing. He didn't usually fall asleep this quickly, but the events of the past hour must've exhausted him. Shiro had let go, but his arm remained on Keith's shoulders. Keith's eyes closed... the words of the show blended together... he could feel a warm arm on him, and then... nothing.

* * *

Keith was lying on the couch with his legs hanging over the edge. There was a blanket over him, but he didn't remember getting under it. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep next to Shiro, but that must've been a dream. Keith was way to old to be cuddled to sleep, and Shiro must know that. Then he noticed Shiro in the living room. _Speak of the devil_ , Keith thought. 

"Hey Keith," said Shiro, "how'd you sleep?" 

That was a standard question, and Keith usually replied with a grunt or mutter. "Good." he mumbled. "Weird dream." 

"What was the dream about?" 

Well shucks, now Keith had to answer that. "We were on the couch." he said. 

"That's not weird." said Shiro. 

"You... hugged me." Keith admitted. 

"Keith, that wasn't a dream." said Shiro. "It actually happened last night when we were watching TV." 

"You hugged me?" asked Keith slowly. 

Shiro nodded. "You don't remember?" 

"Nah, I remember." said Keith. "Just thought it was a dream." 

"It wasn't." said Shiro. "Honestly, you were a mess last night. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you." 

_I'm here for you_. Very few people said that to Keith, and even fewer meant it. And yet, Shiro had taken care of Keith during his... episode last night. He'd even gone out of his way to make sure Keith was comfortable. It was safe to assume that Shiro meant it when he said he was there to help. 

When he was nine years old, Keith had given up hope of ever being loved and cared for again. Evidently he'd been wrong. Shiro cared for him, perhaps even loved him. Shiro was someone Keith could trust. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that ended up being touch-starved Keith and Shiro fluff. No regrets.


End file.
